Moving to a different country is not an easy decision. Some of us do it because we are pursuing a dream, others because they get a job somewhere else or because they want to start fresh … the reasons are endless and all of them hide a big story behind, but what is clear is that resilience is key when you take that huge step in your life.

We are all different and we face challenges in a wide range of different ways, but I think I am safe when I say that the most common feeling when you take a flight/train out of your comfort zone is fear.

Fear because it is scary to start something new (even if you are also excited).

Fear because you don’t know if this new life will work out – what if it doesn’t?

Fear because you probably don’t know many people there.

Fear because it is a new culture and language.

Fear because you don’t know what is going to happen, and uncertainty is one of the most unsettling feelings that there are.

But in spite of all this, you pack your suitcases, kiss your loved ones goodbye and off you go.

This is what I did 11 years ago myself. In my case we are talking about a love story… with a city. I fell in love with London way before I put my feet in the city for the first time. It was my dream to live there some day and build a life from scratch. And I did it. And I am very proud of it.

I came with a few savings, three suitcases and a bunch of CVs. And of course (let’s be cheesy) a lot of hope.

I will not bore you with all that has happened in the last decade, but it has been the biggest and best lesson of resilience I could ever get in my life.

If you find yourself in this situation, the following tips can help you adapt better to your new situation:

Know the phases an expat goes through

It doesn’t matter how many times you have moved; this pattern will most likely repeat itself every time, probably in different ways and with different intensity, but we all go through similar stages, how we face them will be up to us and our resilience level. In a nutshell, phases are:

Phase 1: Preparation

This is a time of mixed feelings: excitement, fear, hope, sadness… it is a busy time where you are preparing everything to go: packing, accommodation, paperwork… especially if you are taking your family with you. It is a time of hope but also stress and uncertainty. Learning a bit in advance about the culture and language you are moving into will be extremely beneficial in this phase and it will help you ease your transition once you are in the new country and your resilience start getting tested.

Phase 2: Honeymoon

Ah… the honeymoon phase… everything is new and exciting, even cute! You can’t believe you went through with moving and you are starting to experience your new reality with loads of excitement. After doing the usual “touristy” things, make sure you learn a bit more about the language, build a good network of people who can advise you and support you and, most of all, make sure you are setting up your goals about what you want to achieve while you are there. Also, make sure you can carry on with your hobbies and stress relievers!

Phase 3: Culture Shock

This is the hardest phase: all the excitement starts fading away and what before was fascinating now it has become part of your routine. If you don’t speak the language that may be an added frustration, plus you start to be homesick and to find annoying some of the cultural differences. You have left behind your home country and a lot of people you love and miss. You see them all together in social media and you start thinking whether this was the right choice.

Remember that this phase will also pass with the time, but it is important that you acknowledge it and that you prepare for it during the honeymoon phase by setting up your stress relievers or having new friends you can talk to (maybe also expats who know what you are going through).

Phase 4: Adaptation

This phase will come slowly during the culture shock: you accept the situation how it is and you carry on with it – you settle in your new life and, even if you have ups and downs and sometimes you find yourself homesick and listening to that song they used to play at your local bar, you have adapted to the situation. Here starts the most stable and productive phase of all.

Acknowledge and honour your feelings

Living in denial will only make things worse, especially during the culture shock phase. It is natural to feel homesick, to still be scared or even frustrated with the culture, the language or the people. Ignoring how you feel will only increase your stress and it will lead you to the usual physical signs of it: upset stomach, headaches, bad mood, feeling more tired than usual…

Talk to a friend, a coach or another expat who is or has gone through the same situation. Try to understand where your feelings come from and set up some actions to change them.

Self-compassion is key

“What’s wrong with me? I should be happy I am here” – this is a question most expats have asked themselves. The answer, obviously, is: “There is nothing wrong with you”. When someone moves to another country everyone thinks “Wow, what an adventure! They should be over the moon!” And yes, it is an adventure, but it has its ups and downs, and beating yourself up because you are not as happy as you should be is not an option. What good can you get from that?

It is normal to not be happy and excited all the time. It is OK to not be OK. Just think about all you have accomplished, how much courage and resilience it took to move and all the activities and goals you look forward to now that you are here.

Manage your expectations

When we move to another country we can’t help but to dream big: picturing a dream life, how great it will be and how many interesting people you will meet.

There is nothing wrong in setting up high goals, but they have to be realistic. When we set up our expectations too high we usually end up frustrated and disappointed, and with nothing accomplished because “why bother?”

Here I will use myself as an example… It took me over 8 years to start achieving the type of life I wanted. But that was my goal and I never gave up until I got there: I knew it wasn’t going to be easy and that it was going to take time and loads of effort and resilience. However, I have to admit that I underestimated London and how harsh it can be when you don’t have a decent pay job. My expectations were too high and I had to learn to be more patient and to learn from my own experiences, making the most of each of them, both good and bad.

Accept what is out of your control (and focus on what is)

It is very easy to focus on the aspects that frustrate us the most and enter in a never-ending loop of complaints. However, we need to ask ourselves “what can I do about this?” If the answer is “nothing, it is out of my control”, the resilient and healthy reaction is to move on and focus on what we can actually control and change.

Take this adventure like a white canvas. You can do whatever you want with it, it is up to you what colours, theme and mood it will have, it is yours to paint. If you don’t like your job, do your best to change the situation and speak to your management; if you don’t seem to have friends, maybe it is time to join some local communities or to go out more… Think about all you can do and explore, how much you can learn about yourself, and go for it with no fear.

Proactive self-care activities

Our levels of resilience aren’t always the same, that is absolutely normal. If we are tired or stressed our resilience levels tend to decrease, and something that usually wouldn’t bother us can become a trigger for us to blow up out of proportion, to leave us later on feeling sorry and regretful.

So, it is extremely important that you look after yourself. Do what you like: go out, get on tourist mode, drive your car, do exercise, spend time with your loved ones or by yourself, get good quality sleep… but do something that allows you to relax and to see that the situation is not as bad as it looks like when you are stressed, tired or overwhelmed.

Establish good and healthy relationships

The relationships you will establish are key for your mental wellbeing. If you surround yourself by other expats who hate being in that country you are set for failure. Spend time around people who can be a good support and you can have fun with. Try to meet people with your similar interests so you can have something in common that will connect you straight away and make sure you keep in touch with them throughout your stay in the country, and even after.

In the end, the people you will spend time with will play a huge role in your overall experience – you will create brand new memories that will make you cherish those days or that may make you despise the experience all-in-all, it is up to you who you will hang out with once you are settled. It doesn’t matter if these people leave before you, the key to resilience is to create bonds and good experiences that will make your life easier and happier.